is it patronizing to say “that’s a nice song” if my hypothetical girlfriend is listening to some garbage and I don’t wanna be mean to her
cause I’m definitely the worst boyfriend ever if I go through her itunes talking about how wack everything is
this shit is confusing
this has been a huge source of stress for me in relationships as well but I usually just don’t say anything
don’t date people with bad taste and who aren’t also your friend
why is that so difficult
in four years this problem has never come up
I am very aware of the fact that I am an asshole with very particular tastes, so I know that it would be a nightmare to date someone who didn’t at least kind of share at least SOME of those interests and tastes. I know this, though, so I don’t date people who I would clash with on those things. It’s not all that matters. It’s not even 60% of what matters. But, shit, it totally matters.
My partner listens to good music and then he also is super-into jam bands. As in, he will travel to different states and cities to see them.
Here’s the thing. I have dated plenty of guys with “awesome” and “perfect” taste in music and they have turned out to be a pile of insecure douchebags with fucked up ideas about gender, politics, and whatnot. These are the guys who did a ton of emotional damage to me in my twenties (and a bit into my thirties). Sure, I’ve dated a couple of good ones as well, but that’s not what I’m talking about.
What matters to me is that S is considerate and kind. That I can feel confident, safe, frustrated, vulnerable or whatever I need to feel at that particular moment, and we can get through it. I don’t feel comfortable delving into the details of my relationship, but I am content with what we have. Having shared tastes in music happens to be a nice bonus, but it’s not the entirety of who we are. If that were the case, we probably would not have lasted beyond a few dates.
Basing a relationship based on music is not much different than picking a partner on the merit of a haircut. It might make for a worthwhile initial spark, and maybe that’s what you want — fine. If your desire is to find something more meaningful, it’s going to require a little something more than a bunch of bands. You may even find that it’s going to take some examining of your own emotional shit in the process.
A+ to what Maria is saying here.
i’m really into this conversation because i know a lot of you are coming at this from the perspective of Feminist Twee Kids and this is also my perspective!
when i was a baby popkid me and louise used to always talk about ~our future dreamy boy*~ who would listen to heavenly and be super cute. implicitly, he would also have good politics, but in all honesty, what we mainly were fantasizing about was a boy who knew who the pastels were. a popsongs-yr-new-boyfriend’s-too-stupid-to-know-about boy.
by some weird chance, my first (and current) boyfriend is kind of that boy—very close to before we started dating, we were sitting in his car alone and heavenly was playing and he was singing along and i was like, “this is a dreamy boy, this is all i need to know.”
but like, shared music taste is hardly ever what we talk about, even? this is a super bonus while like, singing along to the lucksmiths in cars, or making each other mixes, but most of the time we talk about politics or feminism or linguistics or cats or whatever.
—at the same time, the importance of music shifts in and out of my life at weird times, so while it is relatively unimportant to me at times, sometimes i am very into it and it’s a huge bonus that daniel is also somewhat of a twee kid, because that means i have memories associated with songs associated with him (also totally a double-edged sword to associate music with people, of course) —and it’s also really important to me that i really really love the music he writes, and feel more connected (i guess, this doesn’t accurately sum up what i mean) to him when he plays music? —like i think to a degree the search for a popkid partner is a subcultural search (diy androgyny kind of messed up analogue dreamer etc) and in this sense it’s to a degree not even limited to music - a diy punk kid is pretty close to a diy popkid.
sometimes i think about that high fidelity quote about “it’s not what you are like, it’s what you like” —and i think about how this is super stupid and an over-simplification. i used to to a degree buy into this, but mainly because of the assumption that general views follow interests in similar things, which of course is not necessarily true. (i’ve had some bad popkid experiences, i’m just sayin)
i guess what i’m trying to say is the idea that you need to have a partner who shares your interests is most certainly not relevant to all people, but to some degree it is important to me? like, not necessary, but important and good?
*: a category that has since expanded, but let’s be historically accurate
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- detailor said:You don’t gotta lie, just don’t laugh at her or make fun of her music.
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